Rock
Scissors
Fuck
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
