My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
