You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
