Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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