Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
