Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
