yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
