i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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