The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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