Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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