i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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