I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Who died my cat blue again?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
