New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
