First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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