Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
