My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
