I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
