My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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