You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
