the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
