He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Barsexuality is the new black.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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