I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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