i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
