Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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