If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
