The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
