I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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