Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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