cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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