Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
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Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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