alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
