You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
