I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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