I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You ruined the universe
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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