Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I will pee on everything he values.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
