This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
