And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
