the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
