I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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