i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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