You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
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Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
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And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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