this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
