I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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