i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
