Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
