I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
