I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
do herpes really smell.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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