i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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