My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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