The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She bit a glass in half.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
