He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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