Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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