Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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