cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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